Solidarity Sunday: Are you Leading or Limiting?
I'm not a gear head, so when my son bought, rebuilt, and sold an old 1989 E30 BMW for more than he paid for it in a matter of weeks, I was flabbergasted and impressed.
"How on earth did you learn to do that?" He looked at me as if I were born in the 1800's…."YouTube", he answered.
He is right at the age of the young people we recruit as new members, those born in this millennium. They've grown up in a world where learning nearly any subject is as simple as pulling a phone out of one's pocket. That advancement has trickled up to all of us, irrespective of age.
But advancements in technology have come with a hefty price tag. We are overflowing with connectivity, while we are starving for connection.
Depression and suicide have seen an unprecedented rise. According to Forbes since the year 2000:
- 54% of Americans say that no one knows them well.
- The number of Americans who say they have no close personal friends is up 4X.
- The number of people not in a romantic relationship is up by 33%
- The number of people who rate themselves in the lowest group of happiness is up 50%
- The people who say they can trust their neighbors has fallen from 60% to 30%, (and only 19% among Millennials and Gen Z.)
For as much as we've focused on connectivity in the last 25 years, we have become sadder and meaner as a society. Social Media algorithms have driven us further and further into our own echo chambers. We are far less active in our communities.
This is the low-trust, low-expectation environment we find ourselves in. We are all equipped with the knowledge and technology to reach people no matter where they go. But we are so focused on converting them into customers (or in a local union's case filling a job call or becoming a member), we forget that before we can convert them, we must first connect with them.
We no longer teach the soft skills needed to authentically connect with people, and that has nothing to do with technology.
How do we do that?
We can start by asking ourselves this question:
Are you being a Leader or a Limiter?
In his book "How to Know a Person", Author and New York Times columnist David Brooks, talks about two kinds of people: Diminishers and Illuminators. In other words, Limiters or Leaders.
In any collection of humans, there are [Limiters] and there are [Leaders].
[Limiters] are so into themselves, they make others feel insignificant. They stereotype and label. If they learn one thing about you, they proceed to make a series of assumptions about who you must be.
[Leaders] on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others. They know how to ask the right questions at the right times—so that they can see things, at least a bit, from another's point of view. They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, respected, lit up. [Leaders] are a joy to be around."
Here are 5 things in conversation that Leaders do, and Limiters don't:
1) Become a loud listener: Energy doesn't lie. People can tell when you are engaged and truly listening by your eyes, your body language, and your non-verbal responses. People love to talk to an enthusiastic listener and will share far more valuable information when they feel they are being heard.
2) Don't Fear the Pause: Leaders don't feel the need to talk when there is a pause in conversation. Allow yourself to listen and be okay with natural pauses in conversation, as awkward as they may seem. Most people stop listening to a comment halfway so they can think of what to say in response. It's okay to pause, think of a response, and then respond.
3) Avoid being a 'Topper' - If someone says to you, "I was stuck in brutal traffic for 30 minutes getting to work today" you may be likely to want to respond with a similar story about how you were recently stuck for over an hour. It's natural to want to 'relate' to them with a similar experience, but what you are really saying to them is, "let's pay less attention to your inferior set of circumstances and more attention to my superior set".
4) Stick to the Common Ground - Arguing is one way to assure that you never convince someone. We are programmed to defend our positions. So find that common ground you can both defend. If you disagree with a non-union employee about how best to represent them, you can both agree that higher wages and better benefits are best for everyone, and you preserve the relationship.
Finally and most importantly…
5) The Quality of Your Conversations Depends on the Quality of your Questions - People do not like 'being questioned', but they love telling their story. Leaders ask 'Story-Telling Questions'. In other words, open-ended questions meant to encourage people to tell you their story.
Instead of asking someone what they believe, ask them "How did you come to believe that?"
Instead of asking someone, "Do you feel like you are being treated fairly?", ask them "When was the last time you felt 'heard' on the job".
Instead of "Do you like your job?", ask "What talent do you have that you're not using here?".
Then ask yourself, "Am I being a Limiter or a Leader?"